by Elizabeth Downing
When the Beatles told us “all you need is love,” we wanted to believe them. As Dean Martin crooned, “everybody loves somebody sometime,” it made perfect sense. And as Elton John asked “can you feel the love tonight,” we answered with an emphatic YES.
Love is what we all seek, no matter our age. We wish for the love of our families, our friends, our pets, our churches, our communities. And sometimes, as we get older and our world seems to slowly shrink, we just crave the love that comes from
someone being truly interested in what we have to say and how we feel.
Love comes in all kinds of different disguises, and in its most effective forms, it transforms our sense of our value to others. So, what can each of us do to express a little love every day? Easy. Listen.
Have you ever felt as if you are just barely listening to your parents or grandparents, or to your elderly neighbor or friend? You know, that kind of listening when your mind is really on what you’ll have for dinner or what time your ch
ild’s swim meet starts? The kind that makes you think you might have missed something really important because you weren’t focused on the person with whom you were conversing?
Being a good listener is equal to standing up and saying to someone, “I love you enough to try to hear what you are saying and to process it in a way that is meaningful to our relationship.” It says, “Your thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams matter to me.” Seems like a lot of trouble, huh? Trouble, schmouble – learning to listen will be the most rewarding exerci
se you will ever undertake.
I often have the good fortune to sit down with older adults and spend several hours with them. I can choose to engage them and learn something or to turn on the TV and allow us both to vegetate. Sometimes we do a little of both, but I try to make a point of listening to them and asking enough questions to enrich myself in some way. This makes it sort of sound like a selfish endeavor on my part. In a way, I guess it is selfish, because I am always the one who comes out feeling like I’ve grown and been blessed. I hope when I leave they feel as valued and important as I believe they are.
Almost every week, I spend one overnight visit with my 95-year-old mother. She is a raging ball of determination and compassion, of selflessness and an incredible memory. I will admit I sometimes want to watch a ballgame without much conversation involved. I occasionally find my mind wandering to work or impending errands when she is telling me about what happened in the grocery store. But I am making a more concentrated effort than ever before to really hear her when she speaks. Because darned if I don’t always come away with an insight into the human condition. I come away feeling I am more than I was when I walked through the door.
If you search online, you will find all kinds of guidance about being a good listener. Things like “don’t mak
e it about yourself;” “don’t interrupt;” “don’t lose patience;” “don’t engage in anticipatory listening and finish someone’s sentence for them;” “don’t rush someone.” Lots of don’ts.
I’d like to suggest you focus on two big dos. First, clear your mind of any extraneous thoughts or distractions. This person to whom you are devoting precious minutes or hours or days needs and deserves your full attention, whether they are talking about their experience in a war or their favorite recipe for boiled custard. This human being in front of you is undoubtedly more vital in the great scheme of life than which gas station has the lowest price.
Second, believe in the enriching takeaway. If we go into a situation feeling as if it is a waste of time, it will be a waste of time. Precious time. Time we and our conversational partner will never get back. But if we sit down with the conviction we not only can but will take away something unique – an acorn we can tuck away to potentially plant and watch grow later, we will find that acorn. It is very much a self-fulfilling prophecy. Believe in the value of listening and you will receive that value.
So, back to love. After all, this is the month with the holiday most associated with love. Love is not always easy to give, but by becoming accomplished listeners, we can sprinkle love into every single interaction. When we practice our listening skills, we are not only immeasurably rewarded, we are rewarding someone else. We are giving love. And all you need is love.
About the Author:
Elizabeth Downing is director of outreach for Timesavers Concierge, Caregiving & Chauffeur in Bowling Green, Kentucky. A 1982 graduate of WKU, Elizabeth is also an attorney, but she found her passion in advocating and providing care for older adults and those with special needs. Elizabeth has written a book entitled Puddles of Perspective, a collection of essays focused on family, female empowerment, and teaching younger generations the value of intergenerational interaction. Elizabeth’s blog, at www.mytimesaversky.com/blog, seeks to raise awareness of issues relating to aging and caring for aging loved ones, and to let people know they are not alone in the journey. She has recently completed a Certificate in Care Management from Boston University, and facilitates two family caregiver support groups each month.
