From his Facebook profile picture, I knew from the beginning that he had kids. I knew that those two kids were young and cute, and really that’s all that I knew. So, I went on a blind date with him, and by the end of dinner I knew that I would like to see him again. By the end of dessert, I knew that I wanted to see him for the rest of my life.
As cliché as it is, I knew on our first date that he was the kind of guy that I hoped would stick around, and by the end of our second date, I was having conversations with myself of, “If you aren’t ready, get ready because this is the guy.” There was peace with him. Conversations with him weren’t forced. I wasn’t scanning topics to fill the awkward silence. Sitting with him at a table felt like I was sitting with my best friend. It was profoundly easy, and that ease brought about a sense of security and comfort. I felt like I could trust him with my heart, and from his sparkling eyes, I could sense that he felt like he could trust me, too.
A week after I met him for the first time, I met them. The meeting came fast. I’m sure there are parenting guides that recommend a certain amount of time before meeting your partner’s kids for the first time and I am sure that timeframe exceeds a week, but Brandon was a single guy with full custody of his two kids, ages eight and nine, so his thought process was something like, “We need to know if she fits in with us, because if it doesn’t work, I don’t want to invest a lot of time into a relationship.” Much like meeting Brandon for the first time, meeting them went great! We clicked immediately. It felt effortless, despite the small obstacle of the three of them living an hour away from me. I drove home after meeting them feeling like I was on the brink of my whole life changing, and that would be an accurate description except that I wasn’t on the brink of anything… my whole life had already begun to change right then and there. Nine months later, Brandon asked me to join their tribe permanently. And nine months after that, we all shared the same last name.
I never imagined that I would be a stepparent. I grew up as a stepdaughter with a stepdad who I never really got along great with, so the whole “step” thing really didn’t appeal to me after I left home and didn’t have to step in or step out of any role again. But then I met Austin and Korbyn, and almost immediately, I fell in love with them. I fell in love with the realization that I could be a bonus to any part of their lives, and they could be a bonus to mine. I didn’t want to be stepmom… I wanted to be a bonus mom. I wanted to just add love and attention, support and guidance to their world. I wanted to pile goodness onto their preexisting foundation of a life – not try to be a replacement for the mom that they already had.
There have been so many wonderful, life-giving moments being their extra mom. Likewise, there have been some really hard times with personal pain and self-doubt. I think it is important to share the reality that it has not always gone right. I have not always done or said the right thing. There have been many tears on my end and tough conversations with my husband and therapy and books and so, so many prayers. I think it takes all those things to be your best self, and I think it takes all those things to be the best mom – step, bonus or biological.
On March 1st of 2020, I met my destiny for the first time when I met Austin and Korbyn. We celebrate that introduction every year, and this year is no different. I would have never dreamed that I would live the life I live, be in the place that I live, fill the roles that I play, or love the people that I love. I never dreamed I would have a blended family. I never imagined that these two kids would be such a bonus to my life and teach me how to be a parent before I became a biological one.
-by Destini McPherson
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